Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief, as psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross proposed, describe the progression of the brain when dealing with loss. The five stages are:

1) Denial
2) Bargaining
3) Anger
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

(I decided to switch steps 2 & 3 for reasons to be explained later)

This process is commonly known due to its accuracy but I’d like to describe the same concept in slightly different terms.

When you learn a fundamental truth about this world, you start to realize that many other people have realized the same truth before you. The biggest difference between you and everyone who beat you to that truth is the words you use to explain it to yourself. Take the Golden Rule as an example. Some people understand the concept through the idea of Karma while others learn it by using empathy. In reality, the majority of people are saying the same things in different words.

With that being said, allow me to introduce a concept that should sound very familiar: people are selfish. I don’t mean that as a slight or an insult, more of a description. When you get right down to it, we are animals. More specifically, we are the descendants of the animals that were able to survive in nature.

Of course, you are probably aware that nature is a harsh and unfair game with stakes of life or death. To survive, you needed a specific skill set as well as a specific mindset. An anxious and selfish mindset, while bad in today’s world, are very helpful in nature.

If you worry about yourself more than others, there’s a better chance you’ll survive. If you’re constantly worried everything is going to try to kill you, you’ll also be better prepared to survive. Have you ever noticed how quick animals are to run away?

Just like physical traits like claws or a thick hide, helpful mindsets are also passed down through evolution. We are selfish because our ancestors needed to be selfish to survive. However, you know that we aren’t only selfish. We can selflessly love others, but usually they are connected to us in some way; my family, my friends, my home.

Instead of thinking about love as an outward thing to other people, try picturing it as a connection of something else to yourself. Self is the most important thing in our minds so connecting something else to “me” is a big deal.

It hurts when you lose a loved one because you have lost a part of yourself. Therefore, we must look at grief from a selfish point of view.

1. Denial

When we lose a part of ourselves, the first thing we will try to do is deny the loss even happened. This is a defense mechanism for our survival, including the survival of those we’ve connected to ourselves. If we are told a part of us is gone and we refuse to believe it, that part is not yet gone. Reality is what you make of it, what we believe to be true is true to us.

2. Bargaining

If our loss is real, our next option is to find a way to soften the blow. We live in a world of trade; a world in which almost anything can be done if you are able to pay the price. It makes perfect sense that we should look for all possible alternatives to avoid the loss that we initially denied even happened. This is a logical step and, unfortunately, it’s the last one that uses logic. The rest are emotional.

3. Anger

Our minds are not only processing what is happening around us at any time, we are also constantly expecting what might happen next based on what we know. Expectations are the only reason we’re able to get anything done without being constantly surprised by cars in the road or cell phones in our pockets. Expectations can include the idea that you will have time to spend with loved ones because they are still here.

When you lose a loved one, not only have you lost a part of yourself, your expectations of seeing them again can no longer be met. When our reality is inconsistent with our expectations, we feel an emotional response. If our expectations seem possible, we will use our most basic evolutionary abilities to change our reality: violence.

As mentioned before, we adapted from the survivors of nature which means we still have some survival-based tendencies. Anger is our way of emotionally communicating the idea that we are willing to use physical force to make our reality consistent with our expectations.

4. Depression

In the case of loss, our expectations of seeing a loved one again can never be met. Once this realization takes hold, anger disappears and is replaced with sadness. Both emotions are results of unmet expectations, but anger can only exist if there is some possible way to change reality.

When we finally accept there is no way we can change what has happened, we grieve for our unmet expectations. The pain we feel from losing a part of ourselves combines with those unmet expectations to make this the most unpleasant stage of grief.

But this will pass.

5. Acceptance

The final stage of grief is less of a step and more of a state of being. Acceptance does not mean you no longer feel emotional for the part of you that was lost nor does it mean you give up on the love you once felt. Acceptance is merely a change in your expectations to match reality.

Your emotions only reflect a difference between reality and expectation but you only have the ability to truly change one of those. As the poet Alexander Pope put it, “Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

Changing your expectations to match reality is the only way to move past grief. However, your sense of self is still left with a “hole.” Again we can use a selfish mindset to fix this problem.

In reality, you never truly know anyone. How could you? There isn’t enough time in the day to discuss every tiny detail about a person. Instead, we create mental characters that represent the real people in our lives. The more we know about the real person, the more accurate our character is to reality but it is still never 100% accurate.

When we love someone, we usually take the time to make sure our character properly reflects the real person. When that person is gone, the character is not. The character is yours and you can still communicate with it. Of course, its responses will be made by you but in the perspective of your loved one.

Acceptance does not mean letting go of the love you once felt. Acceptance is coming to terms with the reality that all you have left of that person is the love they gave to you. And that’s not nothing.